I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
