Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
