I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
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