It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
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