i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
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