Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
