Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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