I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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