you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
