I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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