so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
