This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize