since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Randomize
