If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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