I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
