ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize