Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Apparently there's nothing on sonza for "giving a handjob while sunbathing"
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
