HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
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