i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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