God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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