Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Randomize
