my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
