You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
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