She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize