I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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