for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
