We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
