Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
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