He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
