I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Randomize