Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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