Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Randomize
