Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
So many bounce houses so little time
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
