In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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