eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
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