I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
