What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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