I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
