im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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