Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
