Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
