brad dismisses pussy with prejudice
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
