The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Randomize
