U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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