someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
