And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
