i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
