If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Randomize
