I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
