I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
