Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
