Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
