He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
