Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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