Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I understand Curling. That high.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
