From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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