Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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