I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
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